Sister, you are NOT a Victim!

Cherry Blossom in Glass Vase

Assalamu’Alaikum sisters,

Today I’m going talk about a phenomenon many Muslims struggle with, which is the “victim mentality”. Being stuck in a vicious cycle of instant gratification and procrastination and then on top of all that, acting like a victim and being very critical of yourself. And how to finally stop this complex, the islamic way, lets get into it:

You are Self Responsible in Islam

One of the main things Islam brought and was repeatedly preached by Muhammad (SAW), was the concept of being responsible for yourself. And the Quraysh hated this. 

They hated it because it was a threat to their control and power. They thrived on a system where people were encouraged to blame their fate and circumstances on external factors, thus maintaining a victim mentality. Makkah was a place where you could do whatever you wanted, without facing the consequences – and for a moment you might think that that would sound great, but then, the society as a whole falls apart. And for you as a person, you never grow.

The thing is, if you start being responsible for your life, you’re going to have to face some uncomfortable truths about yourself –

and, like the Quraysh who always were annoyed when the Prophet (saw) started preaching this truth, you don’t want to do that, so instead, you start blaming others and lament everything

Islam does not advocate that, in the Quran Allah says,

“And every person’s deeds We have fastened to their neck, and on the Day of Judgment, We will bring forth a record which they will find laid open. ‘Read your record. Today there will be none but yourself to call you to account.’ ” (1:111)

You need to realize that at the end of the day, when it comes to you and Allah, you’re on your own, you always have been. 

By acknowledging your own role in your life, you can move past the victim mentality and start making positive changes. You can’t wake up for Fajr? It’s not because it ends so early, it’s because you aren’t willing to sleep early and wake up on time. You find it “too hard” to balance your Deen? It’s not because you’re surrounded by Fitna (temptations); it’s because you’re not prioritizing your faith and making conscious choices. And it’s up to you to CHANGE that. And Allah will be pleased with you that you are actually trying to improve your life.

Having this sense of responsibility will also apply to Dunya too. You couldn’t get a job? It’s not bec the market sucks, it bec you are just mindlessly applying to jobs and hoping for the best, without realizing how much you need to stand out. And if you’re gonna say “to do that is unrealistic” then that right there is the victim mentality.

This is the reality, you can either be bitter or be better. 

Allah will save you…if you want Him to

Allah’s way by helping you in your life is by testing you, you need to accept this. What you see as being “unfair” is actually the best thing that could happen in your life. You need the tough things in life to build you into a stronger, wiser, and more compassionate person and remerge as whole again.

Deep in your heart, between you and Allah, you know that whatever trial you are going through is a message from Allah – but you don’t want to acknowledge that because that would mean getting out of your comfort zone.

People with the victim mentality like to act like they know everything about their life so they don’t focus on trying, in a way questioning Allah’s decree in a way you think you know better (Astghfirullah).

You are more concerned on being validated about you sorry feelings then evolving as a person.

This is a symptom of the Nafs al-Ammara (The Commanding Self). The lowest state of the nafs, where a person is dominated by base desires and impulses. It leads to behaviors like self-pity, blame, and seeking validation for negative emotions, rather than striving to overcome them.

And so, Allah will do whatever it takes to destroy your ego, to make you feel humble and remember that you are not in control. Your trials and tribulations are a form of mercy, a means to cleanse your soul and bring you closer to Him. They strip away the illusions of your victim mentality and remind you of your dependence on Allah. This is the highest state of the nafs (Nafs al-Mutmainnah – The Tranquil Self), where you attain inner peace and contentment by fully submitting to Allah’s will.

” ‘And [by] the soul and He who proportioned it. And inspired it [with discernment of] its wickedness and its righteousness. He has succeeded who purifies it, and he has failed who instills it [with corruption].’ ” (91:7-10)

Use your Strengths

Everyone is good at something, including you. You may THINK that you suck at everything, but again, that’s just your victim mentality talking.

Have you actually taken the time to explore your interests and passions? Have you tried different activities or challenged yourself in new ways? Start by identifying what excites you or what you enjoy doing, even if you’re not perfect at it initially. Think about times when you’ve felt proud of something you’ve accomplished, no matter how small, and see how you can expand on it.

You might be surprised at what you can achieve when you shift your mindset from focusing on perceived shortcomings to exploring and nurturing your potential.

Let’s talk about the Prophet Yusuf (A.S): Despite being wronged multiple times by his brothers, enslaved, and imprisoned, Prophet Yusuf (A.S) remained patient in Allah, and even better, didn’t let his hardships take over his strengths. In his case, he was able to interpret dreams, and also adequately preach about Allah to others.

” “…Inform us of its interpretation; indeed, we see you to be of those who do good.” He said, “You will not receive food that is provided to you except that I will inform you of its interpretation before it comes to you. That is from what my Lord has taught me. Indeed, I have left the religion of a people who do not believe in Allah, and they, in the Hereafter, are disbelievers.” ” (12:36-37)

Now, just imagine if the Prophet Yusuf (A.S) had started using a victim mentality and just sat there in the prison cell, and refused to interpret the dreams of the prisoners.

Would he have gotten out of prison? Would he have become rich? Would he have finally been reunited with his younger brother and father (A.S)?

” “And the king said, ‘Bring him to me; I will appoint him exclusively for myself.’ And when he spoke to him, he said, ‘Indeed, you are today established [in position] and trusted.” ” (12:54)

Stop defining yourself as if you are limited by your past or your perceived weaknesses. Instead, recognize the potential within you, just as Prophet Yusuf (A.S) did. Embrace your strengths, seek opportunities for growth, and trust in the process!

Give Sadaqah

Giving out sadaqah (mostly in the form as a monastery donation) is a key to destroying the victim mentality. Being in a position to give out sadaqah is a privilege for Muslims like you and me.

Being able to spare $5 or $10 for the needy is bigger than you realize. When you regularly give sadaqah, it reminds you that you are in a place of giving rather than receiving. It reminds you that you have the power and responsibility to make a difference.

And most often than not, after donating, you always have that feeling of wanting to give more, wanting to help more – and that motivates you to do better in your life, to fill more of your own cup, so that you can pour it down to others.

Why are you resting when there is so much to do for our Ummah? Our community may be in shambles, but we need to step up. As a Muslim, this is another of our purposes in the Dunya defeating the victim mentality that holds you back.

“Take, [O, Muhammad], from their wealth a charity by which you purify them and cause them increase, and invoke [Allah’s blessings] upon them. Indeed, your invocations are reassurance for them. And Allah is Hearing and Knowing.” (9:103)

Your power and the belief in Allah’s Qadr must CO-EXIST

Did you know that your own belief in your power cannot exist without wholeheartedly believing in the Qadr of Allah? – they are both connected. Why this is so important is because this is one of the root causes of taking on the victim mentality. In which you believe the Qadr of Allah is just written for you to fail or suffer.

It’s important to understand that even when you believe in Allah, you still have the responsibility to make the right choices and take the right actions This balance prevents extremes believing you have no control over anything and believing everything depends solely on your efforts.

In the hadith, narrated by Anas ibn Malik (may Allah be pleased with him),

In which a man said to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), “Should I tie my camel and trust in Allah, or should I leave her untied and trust in Allah?” The Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, “Tie her and trust in Allah” (Tirmidhi).

A perfect balance between doing what you can and then Allah doing the rest!

Now, let’s say for example you did your part by tying your camel securely, taking all necessary precautions to ensure it wouldn’t escape. Despite your efforts, the camel still managed to break free and run away.

This was beyond your control. This is where the belief in Allah’s Qadr comes into play. Allah’s plan encompasses all events, including those we cannot foresee or prevent, as long as we do our part, we aren’t responsible for the outcome of anything – that is Allah’s job, and whatever He decrees is for your own benefit. Who knows, what if the camel was made to run away so that Allah could protect you from being attacked by it?

But without belief in your own actions and Allah’s Qadr, you would have seen this as feeling completely helpless, believing that nothing you do matters. You might excessively blame yourself, thinking you should have done more or that you are inherently unlucky or incapable. 

You could lose faith in Allah’s wisdom and fairness, questioning why your efforts were fruitless. This can lead to a spiritual crisis, weakening your overall faith and trust in Allah’s plan.

And vice versa, your victim mentality could have told you not to tie the camel, reasoning that since Allah’s Qadr is just destined for you to fail, your efforts are pointless. See? Now you’ve demotivated yourself and your trust in Allah.

Both of these concepts must be in harmony with each other, and only then will you finally break from the excuses and chase your dreams 🥰

With love and sisterhood,

Her Deen & Dunya

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